Faith is the Name

Oohh..how sometimes life can be pretty tough to live about. Even about simple silly trifle kinda matters. People are actually thinking of how to govern a country, other alternatives to upgrade this rocket engine so that it can buzz in a blink second to the moon, cloning cats and all kinds of serious important worldly impact sorta things….and here lies me, having headache because I think my beloved boyfriend is a..err…mmm…well, sometimes can be such a pain in the arse. There. huh!

I cant find the definite word to start this, but I’d have to say that this boyfriend, my current one, which is the number what-what, hehe, is the one that I seriously think to have kids with in the future (Read: FUTURE) and seriously have faith in the relationship. I mean it, seriously. I never had, I should say, very well reputation in the relationship department. In short, people tend to jump to the easy conclusion that I was a player, but no, not exactly that. I just lived for the moment, savour my past relationships and never committed to have any rosy future planning that normal couples have eg. nak anak brapa, lepas kawin tinggal mana, those kinda stuffs. So yes, I was in several relationships before (no proud of it), but they were ones that just that literally, a long spelling of the word R-E-L-A-T-I-O-N-S-H-I-P without depths and substance. People might come up and ask why, why last time these things you had with the guys cant be worked out, what’s wrong with them or ultimately, what’s wrong with YOU?

Oh people, there’s nothing wrong with them. It’s me. In fact I just started working after graduated for only about 2 years plus now, and before I was a full time student. So you see, I didn’t want to be one who doesn’t think further, who feels so content in a relationship and get conned with it, and become so comfortable and complacent and be sure that this is it! Or shall I just confess? Yup, I used to be a relationship non believer. That is my weakness, my inability, my drawback. I met great guys who loved me, but I didn’t have the ability to return them the favour, to offer to them this piece of ultimate monument of your soul – true love. No, I didn’t know where I put it, or maybe long long time ago, I’ve used it once, and not wisely, I kept it for too long it gets hidden by my messy piles of emotional baggage, I lost it.

When I met Bigfish, started with just his nice scent, nice smile followed by flowing nice conversation, the rest of the things might sound soo drama swasta or just too cliché for another article you read about it in the world, let’s just leave it aside, and I give myself a mental note that this is the guy that I want. I wont give up the fact that anything could happen to us, with today’s diabolic lifestyle and all, obstacles are just like that sentinels in The Matrix. Simply everywhere. And so, we human beings are just so tiny and fragile to be handling with major complicated things like people’s feelings, lust and temptations, emotional betrayal.. But I have faith. With these 5 letters I’m holding strong to, I humbly pray to God for Him to bless my relationship with Bigfish, and guide us, and show us the way. And even he ever fall out of love, I still appreciate the beauty of this love we’re sharing right now, for it’s too special to just let it quicksilver away, eventhough it will finale with it just on my end, I feel satisfied for having given the chance to taste true love.

Back to Bigfish who must be busy having meetings and appointments right now, he really la… sometimes can be so… I don’t want to make an official statement about it, maybe not yet, here I settle for just, a pain. Ouch!

I’m in no position to advise anything about relationships to others, though I can share my bits of experience for some enlightenment. But I owe some credits to friends who make some significant impressions on me, Seed for holding tight to her love, always an optimist. To you Seed, Mezee is a lucky guy having you at his side. I wish you all the blessful moments be upon you and your husband, you are one of the best lover I know. And my pretty housemate, Suz, which has loads of love to offer but still in the journey, yet to get there, and will get there one day. Thank you for listening to me grumbling over your breads and scramble eggs. And to all my friends everywhere, old and new, current and the ones I haven’t met yet…

here’s to LOVE is a wonderful thing, to each and everyone of us, as long as we clip this little thing dearly to our hearts, which is FAITH.